


Don't Judge Me But...

by viviegirl05



Series: Drinking Games [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Confessions, Crack, Gen, Peter is over 21, because I said so, don't judge me but, drinking game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 19:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17987087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viviegirl05/pseuds/viviegirl05
Summary: The Avengers, plus Darcy and Jane, gather again to play a drinking game. This time, don't judge me but!Less dirty than never have I ever, but WAY funnier.





	Don't Judge Me But...

It only took a week before they reconvened to play another drinking game. Up on the block this time: don’t judge me but. Most of them had never heard of it, but Peter explained when he proposed it that it was similar to never have I ever, but instead of saying something you’ve never done with the people who have done it drinking, you say something regrettable or not quite “right” that you _have_ done and everyone else who’s done it as well drinks. They all agreed that it sounded like a fun premise and a good way to get to know the less savory parts of each other- but using said information as blackmail was not allowed. They all subtly (or not so subtly) eyed Natasha when that rule was announced.

This time along with Asgardian mead they had an Asgardian- Thor was back in New York and up for joining their game, and with him came Jane Foster and her intern Darcy Lewis. They all sat in a circle on the ground, drinks at the ready, prepared this time for unexpected confessions from Peter.

“Alright, why don’t we start with the oldest first this time?” Tony said clapping his hands together. “Sorry Steve, Bucky, but Thor has you beat by about a thousand years. Thunder britches, you’re up!”

“Alright,” Thor started, “I once-”

“No! You have to start with ‘don’t judge me but!’” Peter interrupted.

“Alright,” Thor conceded congenially, “don’t judge me but...I once wore a wedding dress and pretended to be my mother, Frigga, in order to retrieve Mjolnir when she was stolen.”

No one drank.

“Really?” Peter looked mildly surprised, “I thought that legend was just made up!”

“Indeed, Man of Spiders, it is true. It was most distressing at the time, but looking back it is a source of great amusement in the halls of Asgard,” Thor grinned.

“Cool,” was all Peter said in reply.

“Ok, I’m next,” said Darcy, “don’t judge me but I have on numerous occasions taken pills without a clue what they were.”

Tony drank, mildly surprising everyone, but they almost instantly realized they shouldn’t be given Tony’s hard partier past.

“Alright, don’t judge me but,” Sam took a moment to think. “I once had sex in my childhood bedroom while a family gathering was going on downstairs.”

Once again, Tony drank, this time joined by Jane, Darcy, Bucky, and Rhodey.

“Wow. Apparently I’m not as depraved as I thought,” Sam chuckled.

“Don’t judge me but,” Steve blushed lightly, “sometimes I open peoples gates and let their dogs run out.”

“What?” Sam looked stunned.

“Their owners clearly don’t care if they don’t even have water! They deserve to be free!” Steve defended.

“Steve Rogers, I am shocked,” Tony said mock seriously, a hand pressed over his heart. “I never would have pegged you for a participant in small acts of vigilante justice!”

“I’m not surprised- he always had a problem with people not taking care of their pets. This isn’t anything new. He used to ‘rescue’ cats that weren’t being taken care of and give them to the nuns at the convent. They loved it, they cats kept the mice and rats away and they all just loved the cuddly little things” Bucky shrugged.

“Seriously? You used to steal cats and give them to nuns?” Darcy arched an eyebrow. “What kind of weirdly level karmic action is that?”

“What’s karma?” Steve asked.

“Its good and bad energy that you gather through your actions. Good acts bring you good energy- good luck that is,” Darcy clarified when Steve looked confused. “And bad acts bring you bad luck. By stealing you get bad luck, but by giving to the convent you get good luck. So stealing cats to give to nuns is pretty much a lateral move.”

“I wasn’t stealing them- the families who owned them couldn’t afford to take care of them! I was saving those cats!” Steve defended.

“Sure Stevie, and I’m sure none of those families ever missed or wondered what happened to their family pets,” Bucky rolled his eyes.

Steve looked conflicted.

“Moving on! Buckster, you’re up!” Tony diverted the awkward attention.

“Don’t judge me but in 1939 I had a threesome with twins.”

“What?!” Steve stared at his long time best friend, stunned.

“Bucky, you _dog!”_ cried Sam, laughing at Steve’s flummoxed expression.

They all almost missed Tony, Thor, and Rhodey all drinking.

“Really guys?” Wanda asked, clearly trying not to judge.

“It wasn’t 1939, but yeah. It was awesome. I was even mostly sober for it! I think the video is online somewhere…” Tony reminisced aloud.

“On Asgard twins were known to share almost everything, including lovers. It was not so uncommon as you might think,” Thor said with a shrug.

“I was super drunk and it was one of Tony’s parties. Also I was about to ship out for my first tour,” Rhodey almost scowled. “Don’t judge me, I barely remember it!”

“Don’t worry honey bear, I’m sure you were magnificent and it was a night those ladies will never forget.” Tony reassured.

Rhodey grimaced, “...it was two guys…”

There was a round of hoots for Rhodey’s fabulously gay promiscuity.

“Way to go, Rhodey!” Darcy hollered, practically cackling with glee.

“Ok, ok, don’t judge me but, sometimes I wake up with zero idea where I am!” Peter laughed, trying to move the game along.

Tony, Rhodey, Wanda, Natasha, Clint, Darcy, Bucky, and Steve all drank.

“Wow,” Peter raised his eyebrows. “I honestly thought that would be less common.”

“Clint and I are spies, sometimes in the first moments of waking it’s a little fuzzy where we are before we remember if we’re on a mission or at home,” Natasha shrugged.

“What with Hydra messing up my head, sometimes I forget things,” Bucky added with a shrug of his own.

“Same,” was all Wanda said.

“Sometimes I forget that it’s not the 40s anymore,” Steve stated.

“And I’m assuming Tony, Rhodey, and me are all just heavy drinkers,” Darcy said.

“You are correct,” Rhodey confirmed.

“Indeed,” Tony toasted her. “Alright, don’t judge me but I have gotten wasted at public events _many_ times.”

Thor and Darcy both drank, not very surprisingly.

“Don’t judge me but,” Rhodey said, “I own a pair of crocs.”

No one drank and you could practically _feel_ the judgement radiating from the group.

“Honey bear, what the _fuck?”_ Was all Tony said.

“They’re comfortable,” Rhodey shrugged.

“Yeah but...they’re _crocs._ They’re ugly as _shit_ ,” Darcy said with feeling.

“Whatever,” Rhodey flipped them all off casually.

“Moving on…” Clint said awkwardly, “don’t judge me but I had no idea reindeer were real animals until I was in my 20s.”

“Really?” Sam giggled.

“I thought they were made up like Santa- it was a reasonable assumption!” Clint defended.

“Yeah, I guess that’s reasonable,” Wanda agreed.

“Yeah,” said Peter, “but you know they don’t actually fly, right?”

“Of course I know that!” Clint yelled, though he looked a little unsure.

Amid snickers, Natasha took her turn, “don’t judge me but I’ve thrown up in a bar bathroom purely so I could keep drinking.” She looked utterly unashamed and unaffected by what she had just announced.

Tony, Sam, Darcy, Clint, Wanda, and, to everyone’s surprise, Jane drank.

“Truly?” Thor asked his lover.

“I had a small partying phase in college, its normal!” Jane contended.

“Of course it’s normal, Janey. We’re just surprised because, well, it’s _you_.” Darcy looked mildly shaken, like she was questioning the universe on a surface level.

“I’m normal sometimes! I can be normal!” Jane cried.

“Of course you can Jane. None of us would dare doubt you,” Wanda assured. “My turn. Don’t judge me but I can’t sleep without a nightlight.”

Tony was the only one to drink.

“Really?” Steve asked, surprised.

“Ever since I had the reactor removed it’s hard to sleep without a little light letting me know I’m alive,” Tony shrugged, playing at being cool, but the blush on his cheeks said he was secretly ashamed.

“That makes sense,” Peter piped up. “You had the reactor for years, it’d probably be pretty freaky to wake up and not see light from the thing keeping you alive.”

Nods and murmurs of ascent circled the group for a moment before Jane decided to take her turn.

“Don’t judge me just I used to go to bars with the specific intent of hooking up with someone so I didn’t have to get a hotel room.”

“Ah, banging for roof,” Darcy nodded sagely, “respect.” She toasted before drinking.

“My love?” Thor looked upset.

“Look, I didn’t always have great funding and I couldn’t afford hotels when I traveled for work, so I did what I had to do,” Jane explained, chagrined.

“You shall never have need to do so again,” Thor declared, wrapping his muscled arm around his lady love and kissing her forehead.

“I believe it is my turn. Don’t judge me but,” Thor said, shaking his hair back, “I have never been on a boat.”

Wanda drank.

“Seriously Point Break?” Tony asked.

“Boats remind me of funeral pyres. On Asgard, when someone dies they are placed in a boat with offerings to the Norns to bless them in the afterlife, then the vessel is set afloat and set on fire as it sails away. For me, boats have always been associated with death, and I have no wish to board a water vessel until my time comes to pass into the next life,” Thor explained.

“Alright, that makes sense. I think we can all respect that,” Steve nodded, inciting the others to nod along with him, agreeing to the logic of Thor’s explanation.

“Ok, don’t judge me but,” Darcy took a moment to think, mouth scrunching up in concentration. “When the tiles on the floor are even squares, I move in an L shape like a knight in chess.”

Tony busted out laughing, “oh my GOD I am so doing that from now on!”

Rhodey smiled indulgently, “well, it will certainly add to your image as an eccentric billionaire,” he said wryly.

“My turn,” Sam said, “don’t judge me but period blood doesn’t gross me out.”

“Gross!” Clint exclaimed as Darcy, Natasha, Wanda, Jane, and Bucky all drank.

“Bucky?!” Steve looked scandalized.

“I’ve suffered worse, it’s not like its poop of something. No disease or germs or anything in period blood,” Bucky shrugged, nonchalant.

“Are of course women aren’t grossed out, I mean, we have to deal with it for like a week out of every month. It’d really suck if we couldn’t handle it,” Darcy spoke for the ladies of the group.

“Alright, don’t judge me but,” Steve said determinedly, pushing past the uncomfortable topic. “I drunk cried to a stranger for hours once.”

“Capsicle, you can’t get drunk,” Tony pointed out.

“It was before the serum- the day Bucky shipped out. I went out that afternoon and got wasted, crying to whoever was around that my best friend was gone and probably wouldn’t be coming back.” Steve looked unbearably sad.

“Aw, Stevie…” Bucky cooed, wrapping his arm around his no longer small best friend. No one really knew what to say after that.

“Don’t judge me but I once threw up on a gal during sex,” Bucky said quietly, inspiring everyone to laugh uproariously in the wake of Steve’s solemn confession.

“Seriously?!” Peter was crying he was laughing so hard.

“Who was it?” Rhodey asked through his tears.

“Betsy O’Bryan,” Bucky replied.

“Oh my god she was the nicest gal on the block- you had to work your butt off to get her to go out with you!” Steve laughed.

“Yeah,” Bucky grimaced. “Not my proudest moment.”

“Alright, alright, my turn,” Peter said, struggling to contain his laughter. “Don’t judge me but I’m deathly afraid of spiders,” he blushed bright red.

“OH MY GOD!  _SPIDER-MAN_ IS AFRAID OF _SPIDERS_!” Clint howled with laughter.

“Don’t worry Peter,” Tony grinned, “I’ll protect you from all the big, bad spiders in the world,” he snickered.

No one actually noticed Darcy, Sam, and Rhodey drinking.

“My turn!” Tony cried, “don’t judge me but I’ve had sex with two unrelated people in a 24 hour period, and I called both of them by the wrong name.”

“Seriously? Did you ever figure out who they were?!” Peter asked.

“Apparently the first one was not named Christine, and the second one was not named Mandy. No clue what their real names were, but they were pretty pissed when I moaned the wrong name,” Tony shrugged, completely unashamed.

“Wow. Just...wow,” Clint said.

“It is what it is,” Tony shrugged again.

“Alright, my turn. Now, no one attack me. Don’t judge me but...I actually prefer _Lord of the Rings_ over _Star Wars,_ ” Rhodey admitted.

“HONEY BEAR! THE BETRAYAL!” Tony shrieked.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” Peter scremed.

“Wow, you may actually incite a riot,” Clint looked amazed by Tony and Peter’s reaction.

“Yeah, that shit don’t leave the circle,” Rhodey said seriously.

“You got it,” Sam said with finger guns and a wink.

“This can only lead to disaster, I should have said something else,” Rhodey bemoaned, covering his face with his hand.

“Well, no taking it back now, only way to go is forward,” Clint thumped Rhodey on the back concilitorily. “Ok, don’t judge me but, in the 90s, I learned all the dances from the Backstreet Boys music videos”

“Oh my god you have to perform for us!” Wanda cried.

“Friday, cue up ‘I Want it That Way’ by the Backstreet Boys!” Tony shouted.

“Alright, I’m a little rusty, but we’ll see how much I can remember,” Clint grimaced as he stood, waiting for the others to shuffle out of the way so he had a makeshift dance floor. He did pretty well for about half the song before he fell smack on his butt and admitted he couldn’t remember the rest. He was greeted with clapping and cheers when Friday cut the music.

“Thank you, thank you,” Clint stood and took a bow as they all moved back to their previous places.

“Natasha, you’re up. Make it good,” Tony directed.

“Don’t judge me but I like HGTV.”

Jaws dropped, then Thor, Tony, Steve, Bucky, Clint, Rhodey, and Jane all discreetly drank.

“ _YOU_  like HGTV?!” Darcy cried.

"It’s soothing. Very calming and domestic, makes me feel better when all the people I’ve hurt haunt me,” Natasha explained.

“Alright, I can respect that,” Darcy nodded acceptingly.

“I’m up now. Don’t judge me but I watched _Hannah Montana_ when it was on TV,” Wanda said.

“Really? Peter looked surprised, even as he was the only one to drink.

“It’s how I learned English,” Wanda shrugged. “It wasn’t like the schools were very good in Sokovia, what with the civil war and all.”

“I guess that makes sense, if you were learning English, but _Peter?”_ Tony looked at Peter in disbelief.

“I was like eight, what do you want?” Peter said defensively.

“Whatever, at least it was before Miley went crazy,” Tony muttered, shaking his head.

“Ok, me now. Don’t judge me but...I’ve read all the _Fifty Shades of Grey_ books.” Jane admitted.

After a moment of silence, everyone drank. Literally everyone.

“So,” Tony said to break the silence. “Since we’ve all read the books, shall we go watch the movies?” Everyone nodded, some more reluctantly than others, but eventually agreed and they all moved to the theater, thus ending their drinking game.


End file.
